The Cowboy's bandana: the Swiss Army Knife of the West

The Cowboy's bandana: the Swiss Army Knife of the West

You might think that cowboys who wear bandana's are just vane and sissified tenderfoots who wouldn't know a lasso from a hitchin' post. But you'd be wrong. A cowboy puts his bandana to good use -- just like he does with his lasso and his saddle.

Not convinced? Well, here's proof.

A lasso has a lot more uses than just for strangling cows before they get slaughtered and eaten. Cowboys use 'em to tie up wild horses before they break 'em so they can shoot the old ones and trade up to the newer model.

And a lasso comes in real handy when a cowboy catches some low-down varmint hi-jacking his rib eye steaks, after which he makes him do the "two-boot air dance" while the birds fly around overhead and wait for their favorite limb to stop jerking around.

Now let's talk about a cowboy's saddle. A saddle does a lot more than just serve as a comfortable seat on the back of a four-footed environmentally-friendly mode of transportation. It also makes a great 'prairie pillow" when the wrangler beds down on the hard ground for a good night's sleep. And a saddle-pillow provides both the comforting aroma of fine leather and the cowboy's own sweaty backside!

Furthermore, if a cowboy walks into town with his saddle over his shoulder, everybody knows he just lost his best friend and his favorite mode of transportation. The sight of a poor cowboy on foot, trudging into town, tugs at the heartstrings of all the women, as well as every guy with a horse for sale. Before he knows it, the cowboy has a brand new horse AND a fiancé' who was the schoolmarm, earlier that morning.

A cowboy makes full and imaginative use of all his resources.

So, this brings us to the versatile and indispensible bandana, the cowboy's multi-functional tool. Let's start with the most basic function of this simple but necessary garment.

Naturally the most obvious function of a cowboy's bandana is to suck up those galloons of yucky sweat a hardworking cowboy exudes while riding around keeping cows in small groups. Without the bandana, the cowboy's shirt would be a sopping mess -- and all the saloon girls would stay at the far end of bar when he went into town for a few drinks.

This wouldn't work well with the cowpoke's hopes to get lucky with one of those saloon girls – the ones who all seem to live upstairs above the bar.

And consider the fact that the cowboy's bandana makes an important fashion statement. It tells people that he's proud to be a cowboy -- a man who takes pride in his appearance, a man who keeps abreast of the latest cowboy fashions.

A blue banana means he's true and loyal. A red banana means he's raw and rugged. And he never wears a red bandana with green shirt unless it's close to Christmas.

Conversely, a white banana worn between a black shirt and a black hat tells everyone that the wearer is a famous gunman who's quicker on the draw than anybody he's faced so fare -- and he's completely secure in his manhood, despite the fact that he looks a bit like a Chippendale dancer.

But what about the other functional uses of a simple bandana? Well, this depends on whether the cowboy is a good guy or a bad guy.

Good guys use their bandanas to soak up water from the stream and swab the faces of unconscious sidekicks, local farmers, humble ranchers, and attractive ladies who fainted because they saw something which offended her delicate sensibilities.

On the other hand, bad guys use their bandanas to bind the hands of the hero's sidekicks or the local farmers or the humble ranchers or the attractive ladies who look mighty nice all tied up and struggling while the villain's henchmen stand around leering at them while they think naughty thoughts.

Also, a cowboy's bandana can be waved in the air to signal the approaching cavalry he wants help. And it can be used to wrap up the gold nuggets the old prospector needs to prove his claim to the gold strike he's found. Or it can be tied to a tree to show the pose' which way to go when the bad guys abduct the hero and take him to their hidden hide out.

Yes sir, a cowboy's bandana is a useful thing to have around – especially when it's around his neck. My advice to all you galoots is to buy a bandana and wear it every day -- just to be ready for trouble of any kind.